The Twelve Days of Christmas, as Jane Austen Would’ve Written Them

Earlier today, Ellen, with the best intentions, posted a link to a website selling towels with an extraordinarily lame and unfunny set of Austenian verses for The Twelve Days of Christmas:

http://reveriesunderthesignofausten.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/austen12daysofxmas.jpeg

And Google quickly led me to another one….

http://austenauthors.net/the-twelve-days-of-jane-austen

…which, while smarter, was still deficient in the sharp irony and witty edginess that was Jane Austen’s trademark.

I immediately recognized that this could and should be done much better with a modicum of extra effort and ingenuity, and ten minutes later I’d concocted one!  I dare say that even the expeditious Mr. Bingley could not have gotten in and out of….Netherfield… as quickly as I was able to generate the following version of that famous Christmas song.

Here it is, then, the chorus of the song as I imagine Jane Austen would’ve written it (and anyone else so inclined could surely your own fresh version with equally small effort and great pleasure!):

CHORUS:

Twelve ladies NOT dancing in Meryton,

Eleven years Sucklings resident at Maple Grove,

Ten guineas a day not too much for Mr. Repton,

Nine women out of ten showing more affection than they feel,

Eight years of pining away for Wentworth,

Seven years insufficient for some people to get acquainted,

Six weeks to ramble at Rosings,

Five Thousand Mr. Smiths!

Four unpicturesque cows,

Three French puns from Mary,

Two Miss Musgroves,

And a Partridge to introduce Emma to Bath!

Ho, ho, ho!

Cheers, ARNIE

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